This last week has been a very challenging week for me. I have shared in a tragic loss of a friend to many and my employee Corban White. She was murdered by a drunk driver, hit from behind never saw it coming. This is my wake up call, I pray that it is for many more who knew her or hear of this tragic loss. Life is short and nobody knows when it will end. I knew Corban for only about four months. Not long. She was an awesome employee. She was different to say the least. She had plugs in her ears almost two inches big. She had several tattoos and bleach white hair. She was gifted, smart, talented and well loved by many. I only knew her from work, but when she was there she was all smiles. When she walks into the room her presence takes over, everyone either loved her or was envious of her for being well loved. She was remembered for these things by all at her services last night. I will never forgot who Corban White was and the impact she has had on my life.
The reason I say this is my wake up call is because I want something more. I am afraid that the people I chose to spend my life with will remember as a great guy, or a good leader, maybe even a great father or husband. Is this how I want to be remember? Of course it is I would be honored to hear these things, but what I want people to remember most about me is who I am in Christ.
I am a Christian... Did you know this about me?
I think I have done a good job at telling people I am a Christian but if I didn't would you know?
Does my actions and life reflect Christ?
I feel as though I am running a race against myself. I am going 100 mph and traveling for years, and yet have I made any forward progress or am I stuck in reverse? These rhetorical questions of my brain are a mere way of expressing myself and my inner conflict.
I know who I am and who I want to be are often very different people. In my Lifegroup we are reading Messy Spirituality. I feel as messy as the author did in this first chapter. I feel like my life has been a hidden from people I love or know. A study question is still lingering in brain and that is, What would people say about me at my funeral. Obviously this was hard this week in light of circumstances, however I think it made the question hit more realistic. Life is short. You may not have time to correct issues of the who were identify are selves as, so make it right today.
I have always tried to be "a good Christian" and have felt that I have done a decent job. The Christian life is hard, God requires so much of us... Love Him and obey his commands. This doesn't seem like it should be hard in fact it seems as if it would be easy. This calling is not easy, then he says love your neighbor as yourself. How can I do that? I have so much anger, hatred towards people and and their ignorance to common sense. It is hard for me to deal with my anger when so many people make me angry. I feel I have to be better then those around me. I compare myself to everyone else, who in my mind has it all together. This causes me to lose hope in becoming that ideal Christian.
I have a emptiness in me that is begging to be filled. I feel it is God on his knees begging me to come back to him. He said I will never leave you nor forsake you. Hebrews 13:5. God has not left me nor have I left Him. I feel as with anything in life it could be better. My emptiness I believe is coming from an overall lack of communication with my savior.
I have never felt the need to "blog" or tell people how I am feeling. Nor do I feel I have the right words to say or am the right person to say it. This is a first and very well may be a last. My sole purpose for this tonight is to get this off my chest. It has been a burden of mine it feels good just to write it down even if no one reads it.
In an effort to start the new year off right with God and my family I am committed to reading Gods Word daily. Proverbs is where I will start my journey for it is easy to read and allows me to apply lessons to life. In the Easton Bible Dictionary the Book of Proverbs is described by this statement.
"The Book of Proverbs impresses upon us in the most forcible manner
the value of intelligence and prudence and of a good education."
I want to further my value of intelligence and learn to apply this intelligence to my life. Hopefully this will allow me to deal with my anger and learn how to forgive. Thanks for reading my first blog and I hope your new year is filled with great times of remembering the past, but looking forward to a better future.
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