Emotionally Bewildering

Life as we know it is often too short. I have been writing my own Eulogy for the last two weeks. It is emotionally bewildering to think of what I've done and how I will be remembered. It is a good realization of who I am versus who I want to be. This is an account of my life thus far.

My life is good.

I have a family. I was born into this family on August 13, 1984. This family, although I didn't know it at the time, had my best interests for me. My Parents raised me well. I was well disciplined, loved and cared for. They instilled in me values and morals which I feel have made me who I am. They also imprinted on me Gods truth. I love my family. Mom, Dad brothers and yes even my sister. My parents taught me how to love my wife, even when I am mad. My brothers have both given me wisdom about life and showed me that no matter what I can make it work. My sister has proven to me that people can change even when they don't want to. My niece, who is like a little sister, has taught me that I can forgive and make right. Thanks goes out to my family. I can only hope I have done as much for you as you have done for me.

I am happily married, Cynthia and I got married on June 16, 2007. We have known each other since 17. I was a romantic fool before marriage. I was extravagant, spending money like nothing. Big dates, Limos, Candle light dinners in the park. No expense was too high for my girl. Before marriage and shortly after I changed. I am stingy man now, holding tightly to all forms of money. She has been more than supporting, she truly loves me for me and doesn't care what she has. I love her with everything. I want her to remember me as a loving husband who did everything for her benefit. Thank you Cynthia for loving me, even when I made it hard.

I am a Father, Zachary James was born on April 13, 2008. He changed my life for good. I love my son and want to spend as much time with him as possible. I want him to think of me as a man that loved God. I want to be like my dad and show him that in all circumstances he can rely on God to get him though. If I could teach my son one thing it would be how to love God. My son, do not forget my teaching, but let your heart keep my commandments. I want you to learn God's commandments a keep them close in your heart. Love your wife don't waste time and heartbreak over arguments. Be all that you want to be, never give up.

I am a leader. I know how to do my job. I think I am good at it. I am well liked by some and hated by others. This is a fact of life. Not everyone will like me. If they did I don't think I am doing my job. My dilemma however is how do the people I lead think of me as a person. I don't think I would like there response. I want to be remembered as a good boss who cared for his employees. Am I that boss? I don't think so. I deeply care for my staff I just don't think I show it. How do I become a leader that cares? I want to thank everyone who taught me how to be a leader and the staff that allows me to mess up.

I am a friend. I have had many friends. In life, friendships can get lost in the details. I devote my life to my family. Because of this devotion, friends have come and have gone. Lately more going. I feel I have lost friends because I am no longer who I was. The choices I made in the past determined my friends and who I was. Now choices I am making is causing me to lose friends and become who I want to be. I would say this is for the better. I am a friend to many but have very little true friends. Thank you to my true friends. You know who you are and I know that nothing will break that friendship.

I have two questions that I am faced with from my small group.

What do you think people will say at your funeral?

I am torn about this. How will I be remembered? I am not sure. I know everyone will have something good to say and yet something bad to say. Some more good, some more bad. I have decided that it is not important to me how I am remembered for my past but it is important how I should live from now on. I need to begin living like I want to be remembered. If I can do this then I wouldn't have to worry about how I might be remembered.

How would you like to be remembered?

I want to be remember as a good father, faithful husband, a compassionate leader but mostly a person who loves Christ.

I want to be Christ like, however I am not perfect therefore I can never be fully like Christ. I realize this and have accepted Jesus as my personal savior. In doing this I am no longer seen as imperfect but as perfect in his sight. This means that when I am judged on that day God will see me though Jesus and my blemishes will be washed away. Does this mean I am perfect? No, this means I am forgiven. If I am forgiven is it important for me to live a good life? I am forgiven therefore I can sin as much as possible. NO, if I truly believe and accept Christ I will desire to change my life and be as much like Christ as possible.

"For me the Christian walk is about being a hypocrite.

To follow an ideal knowing that I will fail at it.

But failing at perfection is better than success with sin."

Stolen from Tyson Behrns.

Thanks Tyson for letting me steal that without your permission. I feel it sums up how I have felt about my life for a long time. I have always felt like a hypocrite because of the sin in my life.

I am glad I am failing at perfection, with Christ I will succeed at it in the end.

Remember Me?

It has been so long since I have spent time with God by reading his word. I feel a need that I have honestly never felt before. I have something missing in my spiritual walk. Frankly, I have done my best to ignore this emptiness for a long time.

This last week has been a very challenging week for me. I have shared in a tragic loss of a friend to many and my employee Corban White. She was murdered by a drunk driver, hit from behind never saw it coming. This is my wake up call, I pray that it is for many more who knew her or hear of this tragic loss. Life is short and nobody knows when it will end. I knew Corban for only about four months. Not long. She was an awesome employee. She was different to say the least. She had plugs in her ears almost two inches big. She had several tattoos and bleach white hair. She was gifted, smart, talented and well loved by many. I only knew her from work, but when she was there she was all smiles. When she walks into the room her presence takes over, everyone either loved her or was envious of her for being well loved. She was remembered for these things by all at her services last night. I will never forgot who Corban White was and the impact she has had on my life.

The reason I say this is my wake up call is because I want something more. I am afraid that the people I chose to spend my life with will remember as a great guy, or a good leader, maybe even a great father or husband. Is this how I want to be remember? Of course it is I would be honored to hear these things, but what I want people to remember most about me is who I am in Christ.

I am a Christian... Did you know this about me?

I think I have done a good job at telling people I am a Christian but if I didn't would you know?

Does my actions and life reflect Christ?

I feel as though I am running a race against myself. I am going 100 mph and traveling for years, and yet have I made any forward progress or am I stuck in reverse? These rhetorical questions of my brain are a mere way of expressing myself and my inner conflict.

I know who I am and who I want to be are often very different people. In my Lifegroup we are reading Messy Spirituality. I feel as messy as the author did in this first chapter. I feel like my life has been a hidden from people I love or know. A study question is still lingering in brain and that is, What would people say about me at my funeral. Obviously this was hard this week in light of circumstances, however I think it made the question hit more realistic. Life is short. You may not have time to correct issues of the who were identify are selves as, so make it right today.

I have always tried to be "a good Christian" and have felt that I have done a decent job. The Christian life is hard, God requires so much of us... Love Him and obey his commands. This doesn't seem like it should be hard in fact it seems as if it would be easy. This calling is not easy, then he says love your neighbor as yourself. How can I do that? I have so much anger, hatred towards people and and their ignorance to common sense. It is hard for me to deal with my anger when so many people make me angry. I feel I have to be better then those around me. I compare myself to everyone else, who in my mind has it all together. This causes me to lose hope in becoming that ideal Christian.

I have a emptiness in me that is begging to be filled. I feel it is God on his knees begging me to come back to him. He said I will never leave you nor forsake you. Hebrews 13:5. God has not left me nor have I left Him. I feel as with anything in life it could be better. My emptiness I believe is coming from an overall lack of communication with my savior.

I have never felt the need to "blog" or tell people how I am feeling. Nor do I feel I have the right words to say or am the right person to say it. This is a first and very well may be a last. My sole purpose for this tonight is to get this off my chest. It has been a burden of mine it feels good just to write it down even if no one reads it.

In an effort to start the new year off right with God and my family I am committed to reading Gods Word daily. Proverbs is where I will start my journey for it is easy to read and allows me to apply lessons to life. In the Easton Bible Dictionary the Book of Proverbs is described by this statement.

"The Book of Proverbs impresses upon us in the most forcible manner

the value of intelligence and prudence and of a good education."

I want to further my value of intelligence and learn to apply this intelligence to my life. Hopefully this will allow me to deal with my anger and learn how to forgive. Thanks for reading my first blog and I hope your new year is filled with great times of remembering the past, but looking forward to a better future.